In 2000, I dated a guy that I worked with. He initially reached out to me - over inter-office e-mail - and asked if I wanted to go out sometime. We kept the relationship a secret - we didn't work in the same department, but his group supported our group from an IT-perspective, so it still seemed like a bit of an office conflict. We really hit it off and we got pretty serious pretty quickly. He brought up long-term plans after only a few months of dating (he was a few years older than me - he was 26, me, 22) and it seemed like we were heading quickly to the path of marriage. Boy, was I wrong.
After a weekend away with my family in WI, I called him that Monday evening after the workday to check to see what our plans were for that night. He proceeded to tell me that he had talked with his ex-girlfriend (then living in Madison) and they both realized that they both still had feelings for each other. He gave notice that same day at work and was gone at the end of the week. He moved in with his ex-girlfriend in Madison the following week. Again, nobody at work knew what was going on between the two of us, so when he gave notice and up and left, it was shocking to the people I worked with on how quickly everything happened. And me? It was like a bomb had been dropped.
Since then, I haven't been able to completely recover. I haven't been able to let my guard down to trust anyone in a relationship. And of course, it was around that same time that my weight started to balloon upward too.
There was a period in the early 2000's where I tried online dating - Match, Cupid, Yahoo, BBWFinder (a site tailored specifically to guys looking to date larger women) - and I quickly realized that it was not (at. all.) the direction for me. The very few responses that I did receive were looking for a "booty call" or had creepy fetishes that I was not at all comfortable with. I gave up on the online dating community after a very short amount of time.
So, it's been just around 10 years since I stopped dating. In the meantime, I've built myself up what I call the "safe suit": a layer of padding that keeps relationships away. Being unattractive - it's safely kept me out of a place where I can get hurt emotionally (i.e. a romantic relationship). Unfortunately, the side effect has opened up a place where I am hurting emotionally (i.e. being disgusted when I look at myself in the mirror in the morning when I'm getting ready).
I'm not the type of person that needs a relationship. In fact, I'm an extremely independent person and am very used to doing things on my own, which is probably why I've gone so long without being a relationship. I hate relying on anyone. If I want to accomplish something, would rather not have help doing it and want to take it on myself. (I'm very stubborn about this...it's the German in me). However, like anyone does, I get bouts of loneliness. Right now, I'd do anything to just be held and be kissed. I don't miss the sex - I miss the kiss.
I know I'll get through this low spot that I'm in right now - I always do.
