It's been a long time since I've blogged. A long time. More than anything, this is a blog to get my frustrations and excitements (and anything in between) out there. So, I guess I haven't had anything to really boast about (or the time to sit down and write). Either way - apologies to those that are actually reading.
This is a tough time of year for me. 2 years ago, I lost my 12-year old Brittany, Sierra, the day after Christmas. I didn't decorate for last year's Christmas because it was honestly too hard for me to think about how Sierra wouldn't be laying underneath the Christmas tree in peaceful slumber, like she loved to do when the tree was up in my living room. There just seemed to be a void there that couldn't be filled. This year, I still feel that way, but I was a little braver: I put a small 2-foot tree up with minimal ornaments. I wanted to have ability to turn off my living room lights and just sit in the dim lighting of a lit Christmas tree. It's honestly the best lighting ever, IMHO.
I'm working on a very difficult project at work right now that I've (unfortunately) inherited from someone who left the company and didn't think the project execution through very well before proposing things to the client. I've been left with executing something that can't necessarily be executed in that way - which leaves me to manage client (and internal account manager) expectations. It's a shitty situation, but there's really nothing I can do about it. All I can give them is my best.
So, with the two previous things said - it's very apparent that I'll ALWAYS be a stress eater. Over the last week, all I want to do is eat anything in sight. It's hard to keep track of all that I'm eating. The things I'm eating (for the most part) aren't bad - I'm just doing MORE of it. I usually weigh-in on Tuesdays and I'm feeling like I'm cheating - I'm postponing my weigh-in until Friday so that I can try (emphasis on the word "try") to purge the salt weight that I've accrued over the last week. I'm drinking water like it's going out of style and am trying to be good at my intake. We'll see how this goes.
To close: someone on the WW support site on Facebook posted this a couple months ago, and I wanted to put it here for later reference. In the weight loss journey, especially when you've got a LOT to lose, it's hard to put things in perspective along the way. I think that everyone should celebrate the small victories along the way to the largest victory of all - your goal weight. For each threshold of weight you lose, that amount of pounds is comparable to something and shows truly, how much you've shed in your journey. Here's the list:
1 pound = a Guinea Pig
1.5 pounds = a dozen Krispy Kreme glazed donuts
2 pounds = a rack of baby back ribs
3 pounds = an average human brain
4 pounds = an ostrich egg
5 pounds = a Chihuahua
6 pounds = 3 racks of baby back ribs
7 pounds = 30 sticks of butter
7.5 pounds = an average newborn
8 pounds = a human head
9 pounds = 9 salamis
10 pounds = 1,814 pennies
11 pounds = an average housecat
12 pounds = a Bald Eagle
13 pounds = 15 cans of fizzy drink
14 pounds = a case of circus peanuts
15 pounds = 10 dozen large eggs
16 pounds = 45 Swedish meatballs
17 pounds = a dolphin's brain
18 pounds = 6 steam irons
19 pounds = 76 bananas
20 pounds = a car tire
21 pounds = 16 basketballs
22 pounds = 217 golf balls
23 pounds = amount of pizza an average American eats in a year
24 pounds = a 3 gallon tub of super premium ice cream
25 pounds = an average 2 year old
26 pounds = 68 sticks of dynamite
27 pounds = 612 toothbrushes
28 pounds = 140 tomatoes
29 pounds = 20 dozen eggs
30 pounds = amount of cheese an average person eats in a year
31 pounds = 16 blue crabs
32 pounds = 4 gallons of milk
33 pounds = a cinder block
34 pounds = the Stanley Cup
35 pounds = 140 quarter pounders
36 pounds = a mid-size microwave
37 pounds = 100lb person on Mars
38 pounds = a midsized wolverine
39 pounds = a Wheaten Terrier dog
40 pounds = a 5-gallon bottle of water or an average human leg
41 pounds = a male coyote
42 pounds = a moose's antlers
43 pounds = a newborn dolphin
44 pounds = an elephants heart
45 pounds = a bench press bar
46 pounds = 3,680 American quarter coins
47 pounds = a small Collie dog
48 pounds = a small washer/dryer
49 pounds = 7 American football helmets
50 pounds = a small bale of hay
51 pounds = a twin mattress & box spring bed
52 pounds = a 40 inch flatscreen TV
53 pounds = 21 horseshoes
54 pounds = a small punching bag
55 pounds = a 5000 BTU air conditioner
56 pounds = a hang glider
57 pounds = a 17 foot Kayak
58 pounds = 58,000 pennies
59 pounds = 640 Oreo cookies
60 pounds = 240 sticks of butter
61 pounds = a newborn Holstein calf
62 pounds = 10 small 10-pin bowling balls
63 pounds = 3 standard Michelin car tires
64 pounds = 16 reams of notebook paper
65 pounds = 55 hammers
66 pounds = 6 bags of potatoes
67 pounds = 13,400 American dime coins
68 pounds = 2,570 iPhone 5s
69 pounds = a Golden Retriever dog
70 pounds = 75 footballs
71 pounds = 11 Roosters
72 pounds = 7 aluminium step-ladders
73 pounds = 44 bottles of wine
74 pounds = the average amount of added sugar a person eats in a year
75 pounds = an Emporer penguin
76 pounds = 304 bananas
77 pounds = a gold brick
78 pounds = 26 medieval axes
79 pounds = 359 Ninja stars
80 pounds = the Worlds Largest Ball of Tape
81 pounds = 4 car tires
82 pounds = 6 racoons
83 pounds = 10 gallons of water
84 pounds = 4 turkeys
85 pounds = 4 lemurs
86 pounds = 17 bricks
87 pounds = 4,932 pencils
88 pounds = 6 laptop computers
89 pounds = 271 cricket balls
90 pounds = a newborn calf
91 pounds = 8,255 American nickel coins
92 pounds = 368 TV remote controls
93 pounds = 55 bottles of wine
94 pounds = 10,794 iPhone 5s
95 pounds = 6 watermelon
96 pounds = 18,933 beer bottle caps
97 pounds = 5,432 American dollar coins
98 pounds = a Moped
99 pounds = a Seal
100 pounds = a 2 month old horse
111 pounds = red meat an average American eats in a year
117 pounds = an average fashion model (and shes 5'11")
118 pounds = the complete Encyclopedia Britannica
120 pounds = amount of trash you throw away in a month
130 pounds = a newborn giraffe
138 pounds = potatoes an average American eats in a year
140 pounds = refined sugar an average American eats in a year
144 pounds = an average adult woman (and shes 5'4½")
150 pounds = the complete Oxford English Dictionary
187 pounds = an average adult man
200 pounds = 2 Bloodhounds
235 pounds = Arnold Schwarzenegger
300 pounds = an average football lineman
400 pounds = a Welsh pony
With this said...I'm down a mid-size microwave. 36 lbs in just over 5 months. :)
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Small(er) Goals.
Week 10.
Today, I went into my WI very optimistic - I knew I had a good week (food-wise) and even though my scale at home is off, I knew I was down about a couple pounds. I wanted (badly) to hit the 20 pound down mark. I told Elizabeth (the meeting leader) as she was weighing me that this was my goal in mind for the week.
I blew that goal out of the water: down 5.2 pounds this week for a total loss of 22.6 lbs. My highest weekly loss to date.
I was recognized in the meeting for this milestone - another 5 pound loss. And it made me realize that I need to really focus on the short-term wins. Losing ~130 pounds is extremely overwhelming. I didn't gain this weight overnight. Celebrating the smaller milestones are a lot more rewarding to me.
Next goal: 10% weight loss. This would be a total weight loss of 33 lbs and would put me at 297.2 pounds. At the same time, I would again be in the 200's with out that horrible leading "3" in my weight. So, two goals at once.
I'm pushing myself towards that next goal. I know that the road will be bumpy along the way, but need to stay positive about this life change.
Today, I went into my WI very optimistic - I knew I had a good week (food-wise) and even though my scale at home is off, I knew I was down about a couple pounds. I wanted (badly) to hit the 20 pound down mark. I told Elizabeth (the meeting leader) as she was weighing me that this was my goal in mind for the week.
I blew that goal out of the water: down 5.2 pounds this week for a total loss of 22.6 lbs. My highest weekly loss to date.
I was recognized in the meeting for this milestone - another 5 pound loss. And it made me realize that I need to really focus on the short-term wins. Losing ~130 pounds is extremely overwhelming. I didn't gain this weight overnight. Celebrating the smaller milestones are a lot more rewarding to me.
Next goal: 10% weight loss. This would be a total weight loss of 33 lbs and would put me at 297.2 pounds. At the same time, I would again be in the 200's with out that horrible leading "3" in my weight. So, two goals at once.
I'm pushing myself towards that next goal. I know that the road will be bumpy along the way, but need to stay positive about this life change.
Friday, August 22, 2014
Bluesville.
I'm in week 8 of the program, and I'm feeling fairly good about my progress so far. I've lost 15.4 lbs since my weigh-in on 7/1. I'm still in the 300 zone, but I'm getting closer to that first number (once again) being a "2".
I still look at pictures and see a very fat woman. It's extremely discouraging. I went on a boat outing this week with a few co-workers and was constantly paranoid about where I was situated on the boat so that I wasn't causing things to be weighed down in the wrong spot or to make the distribution uneven compared to where others were sitting. To other people, this sounds extremely silly, but these are the things that I worry about. We had a team photo taken of our group - that I got in my e-mail this morning - and I just look at it and see myself sticking out like a sore thumb compared to the others in the picture. And it always goes back to the same thing...
...how did I ever let myself get this bad?
When I look in the mirror every morning, I obviously can see that I'm overweight. But when I put it in perspective when I'm situated near people who are "normal-sized" - that "scale" makes me realize truly how large I've become.
I want to look at that picture and get mad. Almost like I need to get revenge on myself for getting to this point. Use that photo as the motivation to NO LONGER have pictures make me this sad. But I can't get out of Bluesville at the moment.
I still look at pictures and see a very fat woman. It's extremely discouraging. I went on a boat outing this week with a few co-workers and was constantly paranoid about where I was situated on the boat so that I wasn't causing things to be weighed down in the wrong spot or to make the distribution uneven compared to where others were sitting. To other people, this sounds extremely silly, but these are the things that I worry about. We had a team photo taken of our group - that I got in my e-mail this morning - and I just look at it and see myself sticking out like a sore thumb compared to the others in the picture. And it always goes back to the same thing...
...how did I ever let myself get this bad?
When I look in the mirror every morning, I obviously can see that I'm overweight. But when I put it in perspective when I'm situated near people who are "normal-sized" - that "scale" makes me realize truly how large I've become.
I want to look at that picture and get mad. Almost like I need to get revenge on myself for getting to this point. Use that photo as the motivation to NO LONGER have pictures make me this sad. But I can't get out of Bluesville at the moment.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Ups and downs.
Last week, I was pretty pissed off at my 0.0 weight loss. So, I went into the week with a vengeance.
I weighed in on Tuesday and lost 3.0 lbs. Success.
And then I realized one of the reasons why I may have plateaued last week. Most of yesterday, I was in bed in pain due to complications of Flo. Last week would have been the pre-Flo bloat. Oh yes, how lovely it is to be a woman sometimes.
This week, I also had my lovely yearly physical appointment (again, talk about loving being a woman). Because my regular doctor left the clinic that I attend since the time I went for my last yearly physical, I just booked with whomever was available on that day to see me. Bad idea. I was paired up with a young, skinny male physician's assistant. Completely unrelatable. The entire time I was in the exam room I felt like I had a spotlight on me and was being interrogated. And judged. I told him I was in my 4th week of Weight Watchers and that it was going well so far. He blew right past that. "What type of foods are you eating? Are you getting your vegetables into your diet. Do you drink a lot of pop? You should be exercising more often than you are." It's not hard to look at my physical state and know I'll have a multitude of health issues. Yes, I have an elevated blood pressure which is likely due to my weight, but it's not in the danger zone where I should be put on BP medication. My cholesterol is low. Every year I have my glucose and thyroid checked, mainly due to diabetes concern and hypothyroidism running in my family. Both numbers always check out within normal limits. I left the appointment with a multitude of emotions - frustration, sadness, infuriation. The wind in my sails of feeling like I had put myself on the right path was completely taken away from me. I will NEVER see this guy again. EVER.
Today, it's my friend Jenn's 39th birthday, and since it's also Thursday, I posted on Facebook a throwback picture of the two of us from my Freshman year in college. I look at me in that picture and it's amazing how different I look. Granted, ANYONE is going to look different after nearly 20 years, but it's still a shock to me. Where did that time go? How the hell did I get here?
I don't even want to be "that" skinny again. I'm probably about 165-170 lbs in this picture. Just getting back to "onederland" will make me happy. 195 pounds. So that's my goal, and I'm sticking to it.
I leave you with a quick link for the week. In summary - WW works. It's amazing the things you quit when you're determined to see the results. http://kelledee.wordpress.com/2014/07/24/my-resignation-letter-for-weight-watchers/
I weighed in on Tuesday and lost 3.0 lbs. Success.
And then I realized one of the reasons why I may have plateaued last week. Most of yesterday, I was in bed in pain due to complications of Flo. Last week would have been the pre-Flo bloat. Oh yes, how lovely it is to be a woman sometimes.
This week, I also had my lovely yearly physical appointment (again, talk about loving being a woman). Because my regular doctor left the clinic that I attend since the time I went for my last yearly physical, I just booked with whomever was available on that day to see me. Bad idea. I was paired up with a young, skinny male physician's assistant. Completely unrelatable. The entire time I was in the exam room I felt like I had a spotlight on me and was being interrogated. And judged. I told him I was in my 4th week of Weight Watchers and that it was going well so far. He blew right past that. "What type of foods are you eating? Are you getting your vegetables into your diet. Do you drink a lot of pop? You should be exercising more often than you are." It's not hard to look at my physical state and know I'll have a multitude of health issues. Yes, I have an elevated blood pressure which is likely due to my weight, but it's not in the danger zone where I should be put on BP medication. My cholesterol is low. Every year I have my glucose and thyroid checked, mainly due to diabetes concern and hypothyroidism running in my family. Both numbers always check out within normal limits. I left the appointment with a multitude of emotions - frustration, sadness, infuriation. The wind in my sails of feeling like I had put myself on the right path was completely taken away from me. I will NEVER see this guy again. EVER.
 |
| Me and Jenn, Winter 1994, prior to a 'girls night out' |
I don't even want to be "that" skinny again. I'm probably about 165-170 lbs in this picture. Just getting back to "onederland" will make me happy. 195 pounds. So that's my goal, and I'm sticking to it.
I leave you with a quick link for the week. In summary - WW works. It's amazing the things you quit when you're determined to see the results. http://kelledee.wordpress.com/2014/07/24/my-resignation-letter-for-weight-watchers/
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
A dive...and then a plateau?
I was so proud of myself after the first week of WW. I weighed in last Tuesday and in my first week lost 4.4 lbs! I was ecstatic, especially since that week included the 4th of July where I didn't track and let myself indulge a little. So, of course, being the perfectionist that I am, I looked at that 4.4 lbs and said that I could have lost even more if I would have been better that day.
And then I weigh-in this week. I spent a long weekend in WI with the full family. I tracked everything I ate. I turned down the ice cream at the Windmill in Tomahawk when the family stopped there after a day at Jim Peck's Wildwood. I had a considerable amount of activity. I weighed in yesterday: a plateau. No loss, no gain. 0.0 lbs lost.
WTF? Seriously?!
It's these weigh-ins that infuriate me. I followed the plan and saw no results. I guess you can look at it and say that at least I didn't gain while I was on vacation. I don't care. I sulked through the entire WW meeting because I was so royally pissed off.
Anyway, I'm on an absolute mission this week to lose. I golf in a league every Tuesday night, and instead of pushing my clubs on a cart this week, I carried my clubs for the extra calorie burn. I'm focusing on trying to drink a lot more water each day. I'm not sure what the rest of my plan is yet, but I'm making that number go down again, dammit.
And then I weigh-in this week. I spent a long weekend in WI with the full family. I tracked everything I ate. I turned down the ice cream at the Windmill in Tomahawk when the family stopped there after a day at Jim Peck's Wildwood. I had a considerable amount of activity. I weighed in yesterday: a plateau. No loss, no gain. 0.0 lbs lost.
WTF? Seriously?!
It's these weigh-ins that infuriate me. I followed the plan and saw no results. I guess you can look at it and say that at least I didn't gain while I was on vacation. I don't care. I sulked through the entire WW meeting because I was so royally pissed off.
Anyway, I'm on an absolute mission this week to lose. I golf in a league every Tuesday night, and instead of pushing my clubs on a cart this week, I carried my clubs for the extra calorie burn. I'm focusing on trying to drink a lot more water each day. I'm not sure what the rest of my plan is yet, but I'm making that number go down again, dammit.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
The swimsuit. Or shall we call it...the devil?
The year after I graduated from high school, my family went on a summer
vacation to the Wisconsin Dells with my aunt, uncle and cousins. We
were toting around on the Wisconsin River through the beautiful cliffs
and stopped at one to get a better view. The cousins all climbed to the top of one of the overhangs and I remember yelling to my mom not to take a picture. You see, my cousin Stacy had an amazing body. She had the boobs I would never have, even though I was two years older than she was. I was jealous of what she had, and even more alarming: I thought I was fat. I didn't want to be captured on film in a bathing suit. And I look back now at that body and think I was absolutely high. What I would give to have that 170 pound frame again.
 |
| Me, Summer of 1994, Wisconsin Dells |
Today, I still hate having my picture taken in my swimsuit. Okay, lezbe honest: I hate having my picture taken PERIOD lately. Anyway, we've hit the 4th of July weekend (um, how is summer half over already?!?) and tomorrow, my friend Kati is having a couple friends up to her mom's lake place for the day. Of course, I am dreading the swimsuit. The tight-fitting garment is anything but concealing. It's all put right out there...every little imperfection. I know I'm most critical of myself and that likely nobody around me could give a crap and won't be focusing on how I look, but it's still stressing me out.
 |
| Me, last year on Lake Tomahawk in Minocqua, WI. Oh how times have changed... |
Which brings me to this fantastic article that my friend Deb posted a link to today on Facebook. I wish I had the confidence that this girl has - she is an absolute inspiration to me. It is a must read for anyone who has had any insecurities about donning their swimsuit in warmer weather. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jenny-trout/i-wore-a-bikini-and-nothing-happened_b_5546206.html
Have a happy and safe 4th, everyone.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Well, here we go again...
/waves
Hi out there. Yes, it's been nearly 9 months.
I stepped on the scale on Monday morning for the first time in at least a month. I saw the number and blinked. I was tipping the scales at the highest weight I've ever been in my life - 330 lbs.
Was this a surprise? Absolutely not. My pants have been fitting tighter and tighter and I've been trying to work miracles with my current wardrobe without resembling a ridiculous, over-stuffed sausage. (Horrible visual, I know.) I've been working long hours and grabbing fast food on the way home. There's absolutely no excuse as to how I got to this point. I've let my priorities slip - focusing on everything and everyone else around me and neglecting ME. And it's finally reared it's ugly head.
So, Monday night, with my college roomie Jenn at Snuffy's, I decided that dinner that night was my last hurrah with a delicious mushroom burger, fries and a brownie malt. I was going back on Weight Watchers the following day.
Yesterday was a new start, back on the plan again. Though I was still a paying monthly pass WW member, I attended my first meeting at the Edina WW location since September 2013. Stepping on the scale before the meeting for my official weekly weigh-in plain SUCKED. I knew I had gained my weight back (and some) and facing these people was extremely humbling. The attendant was great - she noticed my weight went up, looked at the last weigh-in date, and in a very friendly way - welcomed me back. She said that she was resetting my starting point to today and that it was my new beginning. She didn't make me feel guilty. She gave me all the materials I needed for the start over. The hard part was over - I walked into the 10:30 meeting just as it began.
I haven't been to this facilitator before, but I immediately liked her. She started off the meeting by opening the table to the group, asking people to share any successes, setbacks or highlights from the previous week. I opened up to the group, saying that I was back after a 9 month hiatus. I received many smiles and nods of encouragement from the group. It made me remember how important the meetings were. Everyone in that room was struggling with exactly the same problem I was. They understood.
After the meeting, I waited for my individual 'refresher' on WW (which I didn't really need) and the walk-through of the new 'Simple Start' program (which I did need, since it was new to the regimen since I had joined back in June of 2012). During that transition time between meeting end and this refresher, I had 4 individuals - complete strangers - come up to me before they left and welcome me back, wish me luck and tell me that they're happy to have me joining them again. WW is a community. A family. Without question or hesitation, they welcomed me back in with open arms.
I know it's only day 2 on the plan, but I'm feeling very optimistic. I'm hoping that this initial wind in my sails continues.
Hi out there. Yes, it's been nearly 9 months.
I stepped on the scale on Monday morning for the first time in at least a month. I saw the number and blinked. I was tipping the scales at the highest weight I've ever been in my life - 330 lbs.
Was this a surprise? Absolutely not. My pants have been fitting tighter and tighter and I've been trying to work miracles with my current wardrobe without resembling a ridiculous, over-stuffed sausage. (Horrible visual, I know.) I've been working long hours and grabbing fast food on the way home. There's absolutely no excuse as to how I got to this point. I've let my priorities slip - focusing on everything and everyone else around me and neglecting ME. And it's finally reared it's ugly head.
So, Monday night, with my college roomie Jenn at Snuffy's, I decided that dinner that night was my last hurrah with a delicious mushroom burger, fries and a brownie malt. I was going back on Weight Watchers the following day.
Yesterday was a new start, back on the plan again. Though I was still a paying monthly pass WW member, I attended my first meeting at the Edina WW location since September 2013. Stepping on the scale before the meeting for my official weekly weigh-in plain SUCKED. I knew I had gained my weight back (and some) and facing these people was extremely humbling. The attendant was great - she noticed my weight went up, looked at the last weigh-in date, and in a very friendly way - welcomed me back. She said that she was resetting my starting point to today and that it was my new beginning. She didn't make me feel guilty. She gave me all the materials I needed for the start over. The hard part was over - I walked into the 10:30 meeting just as it began.
I haven't been to this facilitator before, but I immediately liked her. She started off the meeting by opening the table to the group, asking people to share any successes, setbacks or highlights from the previous week. I opened up to the group, saying that I was back after a 9 month hiatus. I received many smiles and nods of encouragement from the group. It made me remember how important the meetings were. Everyone in that room was struggling with exactly the same problem I was. They understood.
After the meeting, I waited for my individual 'refresher' on WW (which I didn't really need) and the walk-through of the new 'Simple Start' program (which I did need, since it was new to the regimen since I had joined back in June of 2012). During that transition time between meeting end and this refresher, I had 4 individuals - complete strangers - come up to me before they left and welcome me back, wish me luck and tell me that they're happy to have me joining them again. WW is a community. A family. Without question or hesitation, they welcomed me back in with open arms.
I know it's only day 2 on the plan, but I'm feeling very optimistic. I'm hoping that this initial wind in my sails continues.